The Christian Spouse When Believers Marry Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What
therefore God hath joined together, Homer Montague The marriage institution was ordained by God in Eden prior to the entrance of sin into the world. It was established to populate the earth, perpetuate the human family, transmit values conducive to the preservation of social order as well as happiness, and to provide for companionship, intimacy, and appropriate affection between man and woman. When the divine principles controlling marriage are observed, this relationship is a great blessing; if they are disregarded, much sorrow and vexation are certain to follow. In the Old Testament, marriage is frequently used to symbolize the relationship existing between God and his chosen people Israel. We read for example, "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; the God of the whole earth shall he be called" (Isaiah 54:5). As a wife Israel was promised untold blessings by God which ultimately would result in that nation’s becoming the spiritual seed of Abraham and a kingdom of priests (Exodus 19:5,6) if she remained obedient. Regrettably, Israel did not remain loyal to the heavenly Father and history records the fulfillment of her punishments for disobedience and the subsequent destiny foretold in Leviticus 26:17-46. In preparation for the Israelites’ entrance into the promised land, God’s commands to his chosen people through Moses read, "Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly. But thus shall ye deal with them; ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire. For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth" (Deuteronomy 7:3-6). Thus, we see another aspect of marriage—compatibility—articulated in this passage. Such attributes as truth, righteousness, reverence for the Creator, and purity which were inherent in the first pair prior to the fall would not be fostered by the Israelites’ union in marriage to heathen people. God admonished them to keep separate from idolaters. God’s dealings with Israel in many respects are typical of the mandates he has established for the church. (1 Corinthians 10:11; Romans 15:4). Just as Israel had to meet various requirements under the Law Covenant arrangement, so spirit-begotten believers of this age must fulfill their covenant obligations to the heavenly Father (Psalm 50:5). An attitude of mind which the consecrated should embody is reflected in these words from the Master: "Anyone who wants to be my follower must love me far more than he does his own father, mother, wife, children, brothers, or sisters. Yes, more than his own life—otherwise he cannot be my disciple. And no one can be my disciple who does not carry his own cross and follow me" (Luke 14:26,27, Living Bible). The First Obligation As new creatures in Christ, whether already married or contemplating marriage, our first obligation is to do the will of our heavenly Father and follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Faithfulness on our part will require that we seek to apply Scriptural principles which are pertinent to the state of marriage in our lives. The married state was given the highest of endorsements when Jesus performed his first miracle by turning water into wine at the wedding at Cana. The apostle Paul acknowledged the propriety of the marriage relationship when he wrote, "marriage is honorable in all" (Hebrews 13:4). The decision to marry or not to marry is a personal one. Notwithstanding the satisfaction and mutual joy which occurs when serving the Lord with a mate, some of the Lord’s dear ones, when studying the apostle Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:24-38 as well as other passages of Scripture, may come to the conclusion that for them, it would be to their best advantage in serving the Lord to maintain themselves in the single state. Each individual believer, however, should seek to determine the Lord’s will with regard to the advisability of entering into the matrimonial state. After committing the matter to the heavenly Father in prayer, meditating upon the Scriptural testimony concerning marriage, observing and seeking counsel from brethren who have chosen to marry, and then carefully considering God’s overruling providence, if one’s consecrated judgment seems to indicate it would be a blessing and a spiritual enhancement to continue serving the Lord within the bonds of matrimony, additional factors should be considered in selecting a mate with whom to spend the remainder of one’s consecrated life. Be Not Unequally Yoked One important concern would be these words from Paul: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" (2Corinthians 6:14). This text counsels new creatures to be separate from the aims, ambitions, and spirit of the world as well as the erroneous doctrines and practices generally associated with those who are merely nominal believers. This point is further amplified a few verses later when the apostle writes: "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you" (2 Corinthians 6:17). The matter of choosing to be unequally yoked at the start of a marriage relationship is quite different from being unequally yoked by virtue of having become a new creature in Christ after marriage occurs. The apostle Paul’s reference about marrying "only in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:39) has been viewed by some as a commandment and by others as a suggestion. In Deuteronomy 7:3-6 God warned the Israelites against mixing with the idolatrous people who were inhabiting Canaan. Since the Old Testament explicitly reveals God’s will on the subject of marriage concerning natural Israel, such instructions and these underlying principles would surely be of great importance to Christian believers. Seeking the Ideal Mate We are surely living in stressful times. For those who desire to enter into marriage, it is often difficult to find a seemingly ideal mate. Certainly none of us is perfect. If a desired spouse must fit certain detailed specifications, such an individual may prove to be non-existent; this may eventually lead to a lowering of expectations. One should be very reluctant to enter into a union of marriage based mainly upon mutual physical attraction before determining whether there is compatibility spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually, whether each is motivated by a desire to give to the other rather than merely receiving, as well as having a similarity of overall goals and outlook with regard to handling everyday practical matters. Believers who enter into marriage should recognize that their relationship is typical of the future relationship between Christ and the glorified church. Therefore there are certain principles outlined in the Scriptures which should guide an earthly union. The Bible teaches that in the relationship between the sexes, headship resides in the man: "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God" (1Corinthians 11:3). Properly understood, this male headship does not imply tyranny over a woman. In fact if we look at Christ in his relationship to the church, we see that Jesus epitomizes love, care, and helpfulness with regard to the interests of his bride. As an evidence of our Master’s loving concern for the church, a portion of the prayer which he uttered to his father on the night prior to his crucifixion reads: "Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; that they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me" (John 17:20,21). As new creatures both within and outside the marriage arrangement, with our great reverence for God as well as our supreme desire to be obedient to his will, our loving appreciation for the magnificent sacrifice of Christ, and our serious strivings to be conformed to his image given the holy spirit’s influence in our lives, we should hearken to the instruction furnished in the Scriptures as we seek to attain this oneness of love, purpose, spirit, and purity which the Master prayed would be manifested in our lives. Submission and Its Limits Ephesians contains another familiar text of Scripture which applies to all new creatures who are married, whether equally yoked or not: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church" (Ephesians 5:22-29). Note that wives should submit themselves to their husbands in the same manner as the church is to be subject to Christ. Our subjection to Christ is a willing one and is inspired not by fear or force; it is prompted by love, gratitude, veneration, supreme confidence, and trust that he will care for our every interest. With Christ, if we are properly exercised, our subjection will always result in blessings because as our head, in every instance, all that he will do on our behalf is always for our highest good and best interest. On the human plane, that is the ideal, but because of imperfection, such is not always the case. Therefore the apostle Paul gives the special admonition to husbands: "But indeed, let each one of you, individually, so love his own wife as himself, that even the wife may reverence her husband" (Ephesians 5:33, Diaglott). A husband’s love, concern, faithfulness, and sacrificial attitude toward his wife should have the effect of having her manifest reverence and submission toward him which otherwise could not occur if he did not conduct himself along such lines as taught in the Scriptures. When Ephesians 5:24 speaks of submitting in everything, the implication is in everything consistent with righteousness, Christian principles, and the spirit of what would be in harmony with the divine arrangement. Acts 5:1-10 contains the account of Annanias and Sapphria. Since she acquiesced in her husband’s evil plan to withhold some of the money from the land they sold, both were destroyed. The apostle’s further counsel in Ephesians 5:25-29 makes it clear that the purpose of Christ’s supervision of the church and of our submission to him is not designed to limit our spiritual or intellectual abilities, to degrade us, or for any selfish purposes, but rather that we may be completely sanctified, made spotless and without blemish. Ideally, as the husband would care for his own body and all of its interests, he is to demonstrate the same concern for his wife in that he is to provide for her needs, both spiritually and temporally, just as Christ nourishes, protects, counsels, and guides us in his way of holiness. Sometimes difficulties arise when a wife has superior abilities in areas of the marital relationship. Quite often today, either by virtue of education or work experience, a wife may have much greater capabilities in terms of money management, arranging affairs in the home, or a better awareness of how to handle some situations. In such cases there could be an inclination on her part to assume the place of headship. Such a course, if pursued, could prove detrimental to the marriage. To prevent serious difficulties, it would be incumbent upon her to be extremely tactful by not focusing upon her husband’s weaknesses, but to offer suggestions for his consideration in a kindly, appropriate manner so he may thus have greater insights and be built up in addition to appreciating her talents as a helpmate while still retaining his position as the head according to the divine arrangement. Mutual Support Some of the consecrated are unequally yoked. In many instances, spouses may not be new creatures but are still supportive of their mate’s activities. Surely that is a blessing and if it is the husband who is the new creature, by consideration of his wife’s needs and his devotion to biblical principles, he may enjoy a happy union. By his example his wife may subsequently accept the Lord and both are then able to walk together in spiritual matters. Similarly if the wife is the believer and her husband is a noble and caring individual, he will be supportive of her and appreciate her stand for righteousness. It may be that she will prove to be such a positive influence upon him that he too will ultimately come to make a consecration to the Lord. However, even if that does not occur, although she could not compromise on matters of principle, recognizing the fact that her husband was respectful of and treated her in a kindly and loving manner, she would be obliged to exercise some moderation and to meet the demands of the marriage relationship by the execution of her wifely duties, including providing her husband with a reasonable degree of companionship even if she could not participate in all of the spiritual activities which she might desire. There are also some cases where a believer is in an extremely difficult marriage. In the world today it is very commonplace to deal with such matters by simply obtaining a divorce because of irreconcilable differences. Divorce Considering the immense sense of joy and ecstasy that is so apparent between a couple on their wedding day, it almost seems impossible to conceive that such a relationship could deteriorate to the point where the love which once existed is no longer evident. The apostle Paul addressed such circumstances when he wrote: "And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace" (1 Corinthians 7:10-15). Verse 10 emphasizes the marriage bond is not to be put asunder or broken but it is intended to be a permanent arrangement until husband and wife are parted in death (Matthew 19:6). In the Matthew 19 account, the Pharisees said that Moses permitted divorce. Jesus said that although such leniency was permitted under the law, those intent on the Lord’s will should embrace a higher standard. He stipulates only adulterous unfaithfulness as the proper grounds for divorce and remarriage. 1 Corinthians 7:11 recognizes that in an extreme case, a wife may deem it necessary to leave her husband. Such separation, however, does not break the bond of marriage. It may furnish an opportunity for healing and reconciliation, but not divorce. 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 specifically addresses the problem where one of the parties is a believer and the other is not. Even in an extremely difficult marriage, to the extent possible, the believing husband is to perform his duties carefully even while he patiently endures this trial, trusting to God that the sanctifying effect of his spiritual life will at least be a testimony to his wife and children. In similar fashion, the believing wife also is to perform her wifely responsibilities in the spirit of meekness, patience, and submission to the extent that she can endure the situation, trusting to God for promised grace and by example, also manifesting the sanctifying influence in the home and upon her children. Despite a believer’s best efforts to maintain the marriage, if the unbelieving husband or wife chooses to depart, it may well be that this is a providential overruling by the heavenly Father for deliverance and, therefore, no hindrance should be placed in the way of leaving or the dissolution of the marriage. Handling Unbearable Spousal Tyranny In a union of unequally yoked individuals, sometimes an impossible situation may develop for the believer. If the wife is an unbeliever, she may become so antagonistic toward the husband and his beliefs that she could tyrannize the home by forbidding brethren to visit, destroying truth literature, giving ultimatums which, if followed, would make it impossible for him to attend meetings and undermine his influence with the children. Such a wife would not view the husband as the head of the home and would indeed reduce him to the status of servant, as a captive to her demands. In such an instance where the believing husband could not exercise his proper role within the marital relationship, he would be justified in considering himself as being deserted if all attempts at resolving their differences failed. Such treatment on her part would demonstrate that the concept of oneness had been broken and he would be well advised to physically separate himself from that environment and live elsewhere. There may be times, too, when the wife is the believer, and the unbelieving husband’s treatment of her is unbearable. If he through hostility to her religious views becomes a tyrant, dictatorial, abusive, and demonstrates a lack of love and a loss of respect for her through his treatment of her and, in effect, virtually expects her to function as a slave instead of someone whom he pledged to love, honor, and cherish, the wife would have grounds for considering herself deserted and should prayerfully look to God for his leanings and providences so that he may direct the issue for her highest spiritual welfare and to afford her relief, especially in a situation where children are involved. The Christian wife has an obligation to be submissive, but there are circumstances where the spirit of a sound mind will dictate that the severity of the situation will indicate that the limits of endurance have been reached and a separation may be necessary. A new creature’s first obligation is to strive to do the will of God. Marriage is an institution divinely ordained by the heavenly Father and when ordered along Scriptural lines, it facilitates the spirit of oneness. The decision to marry or not is a personal one but new creatures who do so are advised to marry only in the Lord and thus avoid the difficulties which often occur when believers are unequally yoked. Since marriage is a type of the union between Christ and the church, in our human marriages we should be guided by an application of Scriptural principles which are manifested in this glorious spiritual arrangement. The hope of becoming a part of the Lamb’s wife should serve to strengthen our resolve to be faithful in the doing of God’s will as revealed to us through his most precious and holy word. |