Unequally Yoked

One Flesh, Two Hearts

Such shall have trouble in the flesh.—1 Corinthians 7:28

Joe Shell

More precious than even our closest family ties is our privileged calling to be sons of God. The love that we are able to give our earthly family is at best a dim reflection of his supreme love to be revealed in Christ in the next age. Knowing all that Christ is to accomplish then, and that it includes all people and things, being counted as a member of his family with the hope of bestowing these blessings is the great object of our lives.

Our present work of becoming like Christ is the means by which we can reach that great object. In taking on his likeness we are influenced by the same spirit, allowing us to see the world from his perspective as we interact within all of our personal relationships. Unique among these is marriage. As human beings it is easy to feel the need for this relationship. As Christians we also see God’s design in creating us with this need and instituting the relationship by which it is fulfilled (Genesis 2:18,24). The holy spirit allows us to see the beauty in his designs and know that it is much more than just our human needs that are being met by this relationship.

It is an advantage when both partners in the marriage relationship share equal amounts of God’s spirit and have the same perspective. The consecrated can give mutual support to bearing the burdens of the narrow way.

But if only one heart is given to the Lord while the other is minding the things of the flesh, it is likely the result of either allowing fleshly interests to override the spiritual when choosing a partner, or God’s call comes after marriage before there is any relationship with God by either partner, and only one is called.

What is the proper attitude if we are “unequally yoked” in marriage? Is it an advantage or disadvantage to the new creature? Sharing in God’s spirit we have the dual perspective of seeing how marriage serves both our needs and God’s. Since we have vowed to do God’s will at the expense of our own, our attitude must be formed from God’s standpoint.

If becoming like Christ is the focus of our present work, we need to understand that it is primarily internal, and that it is God’s work. For it to take place we must submit ourselves to the knowing and doing of his will. Trusting him, we humble ourselves, sacrificing ourselves like Jesus so God can bring about our “transformation” into his image (Romans 12:1,2; Ephesians 2:10). When completed, the new creature will be qualified for the future work of blessing. The process that takes us there has to come through our entire earthly experience as it did with our Lord. By submitting to God’s will, we acknowledge that he knows what circumstances and experiences we need for this development.

Abiding As We Were Called

Consistent with these thoughts the apostle urges, “Let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God” (1 Corinthians 7:24). Paul had been addressing marriage but now he comments upon the earthly circumstances you are in when called, whether it be marriage, occupation, or even slavery. We must do God’s will regardless of our circumstances; we are not to assume what God’s will is or what those circumstances should be for “Ye are bought with a price” (verses 19-23). We see also how God from the beginning desires his people to stay bound to circumstances in which they are at a disadvantage. How else could their faith be tried?

Regardless of how one comes to be “unequally yoked,” if one sees the need to do God’s will despite circumstances, one knows one’s standing is only by grace. One can proceed “forgetting those things which are behind” (Philippians 3:13), knowing he is being dealt with as a son, and “what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?” (Hebrews 12:7). “He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of ­Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).

As an institution ordained by God, marriage is sacred. From God’s decree to the first human pair to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) we sense that the relationship is to be indissoluble. Our Lord also affirms this: “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:5,6).

Letting Our Light Shine

Taking this view of marriage and also accepting the call to walk in the narrow way, one will seek to “speak the truth in love” and let one’s light shine before the world and one’s mate. If through one’s ongoing effort to win the heart of a loved one for the Lord there is continued resistance on the mate’s part to see that light, in time one is confronted with harmonizing the seeming incongruities that now exist between the heavenly and the earthly relationships. If one fully accepts the terms of God’s call and also considers the marriage union as “one flesh,” how can this body be a willing sacrifice if half of it is not willing? How can one be separate from the world when the mate is in the world? How does one deny oneself when the spouse must not be denied? One might conclude that these are impossible to reconcile, yet we know that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

Out of a Deep Sleep

To harmonize these incongruities, we must clearly distinguish between earthly and spiritual relationships and determine with whom we are “one flesh.” The term “one flesh” describes our relationship with our spouse and also with Christ, our bridegroom; we are to be “one flesh” with him. Our earthly marriage is an illustration of this grander fulfillment. Adam went into a “deep sleep” which allowed his helper to be formed from him and brought to him. This illustrates how our Lord’s death makes it possible for us to be “transformed” and made into an acceptable bride for him who is the second Adam (Genesis 2:18,21-22; 1 Corinthians 15:45-49). Eve, a picture of the church, derives her standing before God only in Adam, just as we are justified only in Christ.

Marriage illustrates that spirit union, but only as we individually become “members of his body” in the true spiritual sense. It was from the crucified Jesus, having been in the “deep sleep” of death, that his wife, the church collectively as the second Eve is being formed so she may soon be “one flesh” with him (Ephesians 5:30-33). The first “sleep” brought about the completion of Adam’s body; the second brings to completion Christ’s body. The first union made possible the generation of the entire race; the second makes its regeneration possible.

The apostle draws this distinction by changing the context of the term “one flesh” from fleshly to spiritual. The term “one flesh” becomes a symbol for what we must look beyond to see the vision. We must use the eye of faith to look beyond our fleshly existence to see ourselves as spirit beings, longing to become “one body” with our spiritual bridegroom.

When we do this, we will more fully realize the distinctness between our old and new natures, and the attitudes we take toward each. Paul identifies these as our “outward” and “inward” man, and as the “old” and “new” man (2 Corinthians 4:16; Colossians 3:9,10). Pastor Russell describes this as a “duality of nature” and says of our new nature that it is “the new will, which, however, is thenceforth addressed as the real person, and it alone is recognized of God, who knows us not after the flesh but after the spirit of our new minds—(Christ-minds)” (Studies in the Scriptures, vol. 6, p. 675). Only with this duality of nature could we be married to one while betrothed to another with God’s approval. This distinction requires us to see the “old man” as the one married to our spouse and the “new man” as betrothed to the Lord.

Because we realize the temporary nature of our earthly body, we must put all emphasis on the spirit being residing within it (2 Corinthians 5:1-5; Romans: 10:11). With the mind of Christ we view our earthly environment and our relationships from a new perspective. Our earthly marriage becomes the symbol for our relationship with Christ. The apostle admonishes husbands and wives to take the position in their relationship as that of Christ and his church, acting on the principles of divine order (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-33).

But the beauty of this illustration can be veiled from our understanding if we allow our human eyesight to take over. As the tendencies of our fallen human nature are selfish, we may try to see outward Christ-like attributes in the fallen flesh of our spouse as a basis upon which to act. If we look only at our fleshly relationship but not beyond it to accomplish these things, we will become discouraged, especially those whose partners are not spiritually discerned. Only by clearly distinguishing our new creature as the one being addressed by the apostle can we then know it is our membership in Christ’s body (Ephesians 5:30), not the “one flesh” of the man and wife, that forms the basis of headship on which we act.

As prospective body members we each individually, male and female, married or single, must consider ourselves beheaded and look to the Lord as our true head, and submit ourselves to him (Galatians 3:28; Revelation 20:4). As fellow body members, we must all submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). As wives and husbands we have the additional privilege of symbolizing the head and body relationship of Christ and the church by demonstrating, in our respective roles, the willing submissive nature required of the church, and the self-sacrificing love and spiritual care shown to her by the Lord that evokes that submission (Ephesians 5:22-30). As these attitudes define our relationship to our head, by our desire to willingly demonstrate them to our spouse, we demonstrate to Christ our worthiness to be members of his body.

An Unshared Vision

The important aspect of this vision is realizing it does not require both to see it. It was through God’s individual calling, and our personal acceptance, that the holy spirit works in each new creature allowing each to see the reality of this new body; it then provokes each to act as a member of that body (1 Corinthians 2:10-16). It is our union with all of our fellow new creatures, irrespective of our marriage, which constitutes the prospective bride that looks to the bridegroom, Christ, as head (Romans 12:5). For these reasons, a spouse’s relationship to God, or lack of it, has no direct connection on our standing with God. It is our “one body” relationship with Christ, not the “one flesh” with our wife or husband, which provides our relationship with God.

Everything attached to human life, including our marriage, must be viewed from this standpoint. No earthly relationship can be put above the one with Christ (Matthew 19:29). God’s word presents the marriage principles based on the fact that we are fallen flesh. These reasonable principles allow the new creature to act on God’s righteousness, but also acknowledge the limitations of the flesh because “what matters is the keeping of the commandments of God” (1 Corinthians 7:19, NAS).

These principles support an attitude toward our loved one that says, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). As a promise that God made to Israel, his covenant people, it is ours to adopt as the basic principle in our earthly covenant relationship. From this commitment we can also say, “In caring and providing for you I will try to win your heart for the Lord by my example, just as the Lord is an example to me (1 Timothy 5:8; 1 Peter 3:1-7). I will never leave or deny you, but if, because of our spiritual differences, you decide to leave me, you are free to go; however, I will ­accept you back if we can be reconciled (1 Corinthians 7:3-5,10-15). The only reason by which I would seek legally to end our relationship is by infidelity on your part (Matthew 19:9). As wife I will submit to your earthly and spiritual headship recognizing your earnest and honorable desire to be my husband, and I will try to see the reflection of Christ’s image in you, knowing I need to look beyond your flesh to see my true spiritual head.” As husband “I will love and care for you as though you are an actual part of my body, sacrificing myself to do so, just as Christ does for his body (Ephesians 5:22-33).”

Realizing all these distinctions of earthly and heavenly, we can reflect on the human love that first drew us to our mate. As we compare this to Christ’s love that our developing new creature is trying more and more to reflect, we can sense its unfailing and undying nature that will endure even if the first love dims. As the earthly love that first motivated us can only reflect the human spirit, with its selfish tendencies, we now are increasingly motivated by the self-sacrificing nature of divine love. The expression of this unselfish love toward our unbelieving mate seems best epitomized by the act through which God expressed his love to us, in that “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5 8). Remembering that we too were once in darkness, our sympathy and mercy for the world’s condition grows from this knowledge.

One Flesh, Two Hearts

The differences between the two natures highlight the fact that we and our spouse are two separate beings from God’s perspective. This is in contrast to the shared spirit and identity that the first human pair possessed in their perfection. Their “one flesh” created the inseparable union that formed the basis of marriage. Since the fall into sin, this oneness in the flesh is impossible. That the man and woman still thought and acted independently is shown by the woman’s interaction with Satan. A person’s thoughts, feelings, and will are identified as the heart (see Romans 10:10; Ephesians 4:18). That there are two separate hearts with­in a marriage is self-evident.

God desires that our hearts be devoted to him and that we do his commandments. He reads our hearts and knows our desires. Knowing the weaknesses of our frame and the limitations imposed on us from our situation he desires that we act justly, realizing that we cannot always serve him as we wish because of our compromised position (Psalm 103:13,14; Proverbs 21:2,3; 23:26; Galatians 5:17). If the intent of our heart to serve him is always with us even when the ability to do so in the flesh is not, God will take pleasure in it. Thus we are able to separate ourselves from the spirit of the world and sacrifice to God what we are able—our all—though bound in the flesh by unfavorable circumstances which hinder the accomplishment of these ideals.

Doing Justly

Doing justly means respecting our loved one’s free moral agency. It is the necessary common element of the two natures. How we respect the free will of our spouse, to a great extent dictates how we apply the principles we strive to uphold. That we must respect this liberty in all is well understood. The issue becomes more delicate, however, within a marriage of believer and non-believer. The marriage of equally-yoked Christians, in addition to sharing in the gifts of God, allows a mutual understanding that each has used their free will to make a vow of sacrifice; each can sympathize with the other’s life-long struggle of flesh and spirit. The marriage to an unbeliever allows no such understanding or sympathy (1 Corinthians 2:11-14). The development of the church and the internal work God is performing in us is part of the great “mystery” that Paul alludes to in Ephesians 5:32. It is hidden from the world.

As we respect our loved one’s conscience, we must also “pay our vows unto the Most High,” being careful to pay it with our own life, not the life of our spouse. Our vow to God demands the sacrifice of our flesh and its interests; God’s justice demands that it not be the flesh or the interests of others that are sacrificed. The others have not made this same commitment; laying burdens on them because of our vow would violate their free will and indicate selfishness on our part. However, we made two vows: one to God and one to the spouse. As we pay them we must ensure that what we owe to God does not get paid to the spouse. God is the highest priority. We have vowed to love and cherish our wives and husbands, but as we sacrifice our time and interests to one who has only the “spirit of the world,” we must be careful not inappropriately to partake of that spirit. Marriage to a non-believer presents many temptations to compromise the truth. As we deny that portion of ­ourselves that we owe to our spouse, we must not also deny our beliefs and principles (Acts 5:29). We must remember who we are as consecrated Christians.

We must always pray for our spouse. Realizing our Lord’s direction and overruling in our marriage at the present time, and the role husbands and wives play in our development, we should pray that the Lord bless them accordingly when their eyes are finally opened and they see the full depth of his love. Until then we can let them observe our inner person by our outward conduct (1 Peter 3:1-4). As the years go by under these circumstances, if we ever feel an emotional hurt that comes upon us for the Lord’s sake, we can take comfort knowing that this too God accepts as a sacrifice (Psalm 51:17).

The word “trouble” in the text at the beginning of this article indicates a way to view this whole matter. It is the same word that is elsewhere translated “tribulation.” Paul describes this tribulation as a necessary part of the character-building process (Romans 5:3-5). The the results will be those that “maketh not ashamed.” Let us glory in this tribulation, and be rightly exercised by it so we may become a part of the faithful bride.