Poems and Short Features

Responding to Conflict
Audio MP3

ESCAPE RESPONSES

Used by those more interested in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it:

Denial—One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that no problem exists. Another way is to refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (1 Samuel 2:22-25).

Flight—Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may take the form of ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or leaving a church. Flight may be legitimate in extreme situations (1 Samuel 19:9,10), but in most cases it only postpones a proper solution to the problem (Genesis 16:6-8).

Suicide—When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation by attempting to take their own lives. Suicide is never the right way to deal with conflict (Matthew 27:1-5).

ATTACK RESPONSES

Used by those more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship:

Assault—Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks (including gossip and slander), physical violence, or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally (see Acts 6:8-15). Such conduct usually escalates conflict.

Litigation—Although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge (see Acts 24:1-26; Romans 13:1-5), lawsuits usually damage relationships and often fail to achieve complete justice. This is why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle their differences within the church rather than the civil courts (see Matthew 5:25-26; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8).

Murder—In extreme cases, people may be so desperate to win a dispute they will try to kill those who oppose them (see Acts 7:54-58). While most would not actually kill someone, we stand guilty of murder in God’s eyes if we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others (see 1 John 3:15; Matthew 5:21,22).

CONCILIATION RESPONSES

Used by peacemakers who want to find a just and mutually agreeable solution to a conflict:

Overlook an offense—Many disputes are so insignificant they should be resolved by deliberately overlooking an offense. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.

Reconciliation—If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness: “[If] your brother has something against you … go and be reconciled” (Matthew 5:23,24).

Negotiation—Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which both seek a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).

Mediation—If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force a particular solution.

Arbitration—When a voluntary agreement on a material issue is not possible, arbitrators may be appointed to listen to arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue: “If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church” (1 Corinthians 6:4).

Accountability—If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands church leaders to formally intervene and hold the offender accountable to Scripture, and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: “If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17).