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An Unresolved Conflict
Hagar and Sarah Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice, set things
right, be encouraged, agree with one another, live in peace, and the God of love
and peace will be with you.— Larry McClellan Genesis 21 describes the conflict between Sarah and Hagar concerning their sons. The circumstances under which Hagar conceived a son was first suggested by Sarah, but subsequently Sarah had a son and the situation changed in Sarah’s mind. Jealousy and the question of inheritance were the two apparent issues that drove Sarah to rid herself of the bondwoman: “Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac” (Genesis 21:10). God told Abraham to resolve the conflict by sending away Hagar and Ishmael into the wilderness. However, God did not let them die there. He used Ishmael to develop another great nation, the Arabic. Paul’s letters tell us these two women were types of two great covenants: the Law Covenant represented in the bondwoman Hagar, and the Grace Covenant represented in Sarah (Galatians 4:22-31). The class developed under the Law Covenant was the Jewish people, and the class developed under the Sarah feature of the Abrahamic Covenant was the “Isaac” class, spirit-begotten Christians, the “we” in Paul’s discussion (verse 28). The accounts point to a continual conflict since the days of the apostles over the promise of the Abrahamic Covenant between Jews under the Law Covenant and Gentile Christians under the Grace Covenant. Many Jews jealously claimed exclusivity of the promises of Abraham and, just as Hagar did, mocked Gentile Christians. Similarly, throughout the Gospel age, many who claimed to be Christians persecuted Jews in conflicts of bitterness, casting them out of many countries, and discounting them from any part in the promises of God. While the Bible has limited detail about the conflict between Hagar and Sarah, it seems reasonable to assume that jealousy on one side and mocking remarks on the other created great bitterness between the two of them. Even Abraham could not resolve the conflict. God permitted Sarah’s request that Hagar and her son be forced to leave (Genesis 21:12), but also promised that he would deliver Hagar and bless Ishmael. In this brief discussion in Genesis, however, we find lessons that help us deal with our own conflicts. Causes of Conflict Conflicts in fallen humanity seem to be more or less inherent. Just as in the case of Sarah and Hagar, jealousy, pride, selfishness, values, and beliefs can cause conflict. The more time Sarah and Hagar spent together after the birth of their respective sons, the greater likelihood that conflict would arise. So it is with us. The longer we spend with family and brethren, the more likely it is that some conflict will arise. The ability to resolve these conflicts satisfactorily is an important attribute, whether dealing with spouses, children, neighbors, ecclesia members, or co-workers. Most brethren are not trained professionally, nor are they comfortable dealing with large conflicts in life and probably prefer avoiding them altogether. This lack of comfort might be the result of past failures when trying to resolve conflicts. However, as in the case of Hagar and Sarah, postponing the resolution of conflicts can lead to on-going pain and suffering. In most cases, however, there should be efforts to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible to avoid permanent separation. It is also important to understand that the Lord calls his people from all walks of life, and most may have personality flaws caused by the fall. Many may have psychological issues not visible to others. Most of the Lord’s people have little or no experience dealing with the personal challenges under which their brethren struggle. These were called by God because he wanted them in the body of Christ. There are conflicts which cannot be resolved and must wait until kingdom mechanisms are actively engaged. Brethren frustrated over failed efforts at resolving conflicts should leave it to the Lord for “strength to endure what they cannot cure.” However, the Lord does seek a sincere effort on our part to resolve all conflicts among us. Conflicts Serve a Purpose in Training As Christians we are a royal priesthood under development as a means to an end. Christ and his church are the “means,” whereas restored humanity in the kingdom is the “end” product. Will we not have a few human conflicts to resolve in our kingdom position if faithful? How about billions of conflicts? We are a people for a purpose. God has given to us the “ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18). Consequently we will be, and are even now, in the personality business. Doesn’t God want to see an attempt on our part to apply our training for this position? Yes, there are many qualifications for our future position of service, but this component of our heavenly report card may have greater value than we perceive. How do we use the many lessons of “the wisdom that is from above” (James 3:17) and the principles of righteousness to make sound choices of conflict resolution in our relationships? Knowledge exercised in wisdom empowers proper choices. And is not most of our life about the choices we make, along with their cause-and-effect relationships? As new creatures in Christ we are under the laws of that new creation, especially the royal law of love: “And this is love, that we walk after his commandments” (2 John 6). Note this commandment that Jesus gave us: “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:34,35). Paul wrote, “And above all these things put on charity [Greek: agape, unconditional love void of self-interest], which is the bond of perfectness” (Colossians 3:14). Jesus’ Commandment “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican.” (Matthew 18:15-17) This Scripture is not a suggestion. There are no exceptions. The consequences of not following this command usually result in bitterness, misunderstandings, anger, malice, hatred, and strife. All must work at trying to first reduce the frictional elements that contribute to conflicts, and then work at resolving the conflicts themselves. This should be done to the glory of God our Father. In other words, before things reach the point where they need resolution, it would be better for each of us to scrutinize thoughts, words, and actions to see if they are in harmony with biblical principles while staying close to the Lord in humility of heart. We must ask ourselves: Am I being fair and loving in dealings with others? Am I giving the benefit of the doubt to possible misunderstandings and applying mercy to others in the same way I expect it from God? “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive every one who is indebted to us” (Luke 11:4, RSV). When there is opportunity for resolving a conflict with someone, we should go to that person alone and avoid the practice of sinful humanity where gossip comes first and alliances occur. We do not walk in the flesh, but rather in the spirit (Romans 8:8,9). Before we go to another, however, we should prepare ourselves by first asking whether we want our actions to glorify God or whether we are seeking our own satisfaction. Our heart condition must be right with God. Even if we fail in our effort, we will know our heart was right and we have shown respect for Jesus’ commandments. Our willingness for self-correction is a necessity in our efforts to deal successfully with conflicts. Pride is a pitfall for most people, including Christians. This often prevents us from resolving conflicts successfully. We must visualize our reaction to possible points of contention and fight the temptation to overreact to our “hot buttons,” words, gestures, or motions that can provoke us (Ephesians 4:31,32). We must be good listeners and try to understand the point of view of others. Importantly, we should go to the Lord in prayer before the process begins and pray for strength to win a victory not over our brother or sister, but over the Adversary. We must want to make reconciliation with our brother; we must want to be “clothed with humility” and rationally accept any good points where we need to apologize for our own actions. Striving for a Positive Resolution More than two people can be affected by unresolved differences. The collateral damage is worse when additional people become engulfed in a quagmire of bitterness. Families and brethren within the same ecclesia can be affected and even driven away from each other. Abraham was grieved over the loss of his son Ishmael, although God assured him Ishmael would not be cast off without hope (Genesis 21:11-13). We should always consider how our differences affect others. Are we making others uncomfortable? Is the best solution to split apart as with Sarah and Hagar? A positive resolution or reconciliation to the problem can ripple outward to the joy and benefit of many around us. When we approach someone to resolve a difference, we should show humility, a respect for their time, and seek a place of neutrality for discussion. We should assume the person’s intentions are good, giving the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, and going into such a meeting with the intention of assuring this benefit. When discussion takes place, all should be careful to use qualifiers such as, “It appeared to me,” or, “It seemed to me,” rather than making judgmental statements. Give a fair and equal amount of time for each party to speak. Assume that Jesus is there, listening to the words, noting the actions, and reading the hearts as well. The conflict between Sarah and Hagar was never resolved. When we leave our conflicts unresolved, they can produce a rift so great that it may never be mended. “The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr opens with these words: God, give us grace to accept with
serenity May we strive more and more in our
Christian lives to attain the wisdom to know when to accept with serenity those
things that cannot be changed, the resolve to hold fast those things which are
good, and the courage to correct everything else. |